7/17/2015

A Year of Firsts

Well, we made it. We made it through the first year without mama. Her presence is still felt, though. I still expect her to come around the corner when I'm at Daddy's house.
In my mind, I've written this post about a hundred times. This past year is hard to put into words.
Mama picked a perfect day to go home: it was an exceptionally cool day for July: sunny, not a cloud in the sky. Why is it that it seems like things that rip your heart out happen on beautiful days?
We made it through Daddy's birthday, their anniversary, Christmas/Mama's birthday, Easter, Mother's Day, and all of our birthdays. On our birthdays, Mama & Daddy would call us and sing "Happy Birthday". One of my sisters said that a friend called her on her birthday and sang the song, not knowing about them serenading us on our day.
We've had several health scares in the family this year; it's nice to know that we have a special angel in heaven praying for us. We know that Mama came through for us each time.
I hear her voice during Mass. During Daily Mass, she's really missed when the priest picks a difficult song, or a song that nobody knows. (There is no piano or organ at early daily Mass.)
I've had 3 dreams about Mama this year. Each time she talked to me/us. It's still so incredibly hard to know that she's really gone. The hole in my heart is still there; I think it will always be there. There are days when I feel it stronger than others, but it's there every day.
I think I handled her death a lot better than I thought I would. I was able to function during the day without being hysterical. No one can ever prepare you for what this feeling is like.
Just as I suspected, there are times when my first thought is, "Mama would love this!" And then I panic just a little bit because I can't call her or go by to tell her. And then the hole in my heart gets a little bit bigger.
Hopefully we can just get through today. The Mass intention is for Mama, and we're all gathering together for supper at Daddy's. I've been dreading this day all summer long. I know we're going to get through it...we've made it through the important days thus far.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Mary, I can't even imagine. I'll be praying for you all today.

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  2. All those firsts are so hard, aren't they ... and this one especially so. But I know that you all will get through it since, as you said, you've gotten through all the other firsts. I pray that you all will find some comfort in your precious memories.

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  3. Praying for you and your family today!

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  4. Said a prayer for you and your family today. It gets a bit "easier" after the year of firsts, but it is never the same.

    betty

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  5. I'm dreading the day I cannot call her on the phone. May you she continue to hug you from above!!

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  6. Bless you my friend. I am now on my third year. It does get a bit easier....but even now there are times I find myself picking up my phone to tell her something special. Hugging you real good right now.

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  7. Mary,
    I can actually tell you that I know how you feel. Sadly. With tears streaming down my face I started this post knowing it was going to tug at my heart as well. I'm glad you're doing as well as you are; it's not easy. I think of your family often; I hope your dad is doing ok....must be so hard for him.
    I talk to my Mom daily; so far she hasn't answered me....she must be busy. :)
    Hugs.
    XO

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